Four Whole Weeks?

I can't believe that its been four weeks since Seren was born-since life as we know it stopped and yet somehow flew by simultaneously. Since Seren can't be here in our home my daily life is generally the same. I get up with Grayson and go through our day. Physically, I feel just like I did last year this time. Its a routine that is entirely wrong. I should be tired from getting up every two hours with a baby. I should be trying to work out caring for both Grayson and Seren at the same time. I should be exhausted in that way that only a truly grateful mother can be-realizing that despite the fact its difficult, exhaustion for caring for your babies is the greatest blessing on earth. Instead, the only place that there's a huge difference is in my heart. I mourn for what Seren has been denied and what she will never experience. I mourn any pain she experiences from living. I wish I didn't know how far people can go to help a friend. I wish that I didn't know there were people that dedicated their lives to finding a way to reach incredibly disabled children in even the smallest of ways. I wish people hadn't touched my own life in such a way that I will never underestimate human goodness again.

I carry emails reminding me that I will see Seren whole one day. That she, just like every loved child whose parents did not get the gift of time, will enter the kingdom of heaven where I can see her-whole and happy. Some days that promise is enough. For now I get to hold her and see her and love her and that is something for me. For her-I hope she knows or feels something. I hope she realizes that she is loved by her parents and her brother and her extended family and friends.

Since Seren has left the hospital she has greatly improved physically. Her heart failure seems to be leveling out. Her coloring is no longer pale but pink and rosy. She has not had nearly as many seizures. She has defied medicine in many ways and I can't be convinced her change is not due to her loving environment. All I can give her now is the best on this earth for her. That gift is really all any parent can give to any child I guess. Seren may be here only a short time or for a very long while. On any given day the only thing I know about Seren is that I love her so much that my heart is broken into a million different pieces. I'm glad she was given to me. I'm glad she's near me. I'm glad I can hold her and smell her and feel her. I'm glad I am her mother. I'm glad I had Mother's Day.